you wont believe what bloody well happened to me when i arrived at tampere, which is the city from where i would then go to turku to meet elli in finland.
arriving in tampere at 11pm touching down on iced over runways and mounds of ploughed snow, hearing the crazy apple bite of crushed ice under foot,i was sure i could crash in a hostel i'd been to previously,no probleemo...
pasted on the hostel door, 'sorry closed for the winter.' written in the conversation bubble of the comic book story that is my life, 'f***ck, not again,why me?'kicking and screaming under the clear icey-below-6-degree skies i head for the boozed bum-filled train station. sitting comfortably i find my nostrils peaking tothe waft of bacon. some pigs come round, it's 2 am and they choon, 'sorry buddy but we're closed tilll 5am, come again soon.' gsus you're joking. now im really in sh2t street, corner ball sack and hairy crack. the boozers and i were discarded like the bums they were.a 150 euro hotel room and i make sure i figure out other options. now its m
inus 6 degrees,so i walk to this other hostel.....closed.my gob stopping glazed eyeballs just wanted to squeeze out a syrupy tear-to cry like a wee girl just one more time. then this kids story just went and got itself a whole lot worse,as he slipped, bags and all,ploughing himself into the heaped snow.
'i could have died' is what i'm talking about.with hand aching, throbbing and freezing,i hobbled, making notredam look like a sissy.hobbling, hobbling, my hand feels all wet so i pull it out of my pocket. it was just about swimming in its own bloody blood. plunging my hand into the crisp fresh snow i shouted expletives. with my hand in the snow, i thought that id have to saw my arm off with my swiss army pen knife, i nearly died.the golden arches had never looked so inviting. a quick stop in macdonalds gets my sugar and blood levels back to a stable bp 360 over 60.
its like minus 6 still. i begin walking to the hotel but then iread this pamphlet advertising another cheaper hotel on the same road, so after
a trudge of about 3km in heavy snow,gail winds and icey pavements i arrive at the self service hotel. 55euro a debit to my card,and a supposed access key code which made itself scarce to me. 2 hours spent outside the room trying to work out the code and eventually it was back to the train station. it was properly like a national geographic exposei thought i was gonna die, man. in that cold, but im alright, and havent suffered much more damage than a paper cut.
elli the finn, joined me for another chapter of this crazed comic book story. an
d it was off to Rovaniemi that we did go. billed as the gateway to lapland and the home to santa and his crew if you got 30 euro to fork out. it's where santa has his village and there you can meet the ol' geezer and send a post card, i didnt. one road, one bridge and an iced over river, which left my mouth to dribble. a great cawfee shop, drink as much as you can and an alvar aalto centre, and ofcourse a town square named after the eurovision winners, Lordi. it was a pretty pleasant town/village, but won't get awards for being party central.
we breached the arctic circle and into Inari way up north we bussed, carving the snowy fields and sugar dusted pine trees. shawowee it was uber toitwe were heading further north and far colder ,-18 degrees and a great ice creamyou can have. there was so much snow. we saunaed and plunged into one degree water, totally freezed my wee goons off, walked a mountain as the sun reflected off the snowy crystals
in the icey cold , it was the most unbelievable experience ever. it was my small step for mankind. and then the hot english mustard on the pot roast of this adventure saw me and elli gazing, dribbling at the surreal northern lights-red, yellow, blue and green,the sky was awash. reminding me of scenes from 'close encounters of the third kind'. spielberg wasn't directing this wee episode.
it was an adventure that i could never have imagined being involved in. i was a sunny african calloused from walking barefoot, kicking cans in
the streets of cooking jozi,but who was now bundled in woolies thermals, H&M gloves, a primark jersey,a jacket,a set of you-look-good-on-the-dance-floor blue long johns and an austin powers-like hairy chest and a tiger named elli.
pasted on the hostel door, 'sorry closed for the winter.' written in the conversation bubble of the comic book story that is my life, 'f***ck, not again,why me?'kicking and screaming under the clear icey-below-6-degree skies i head for the boozed bum-filled train station. sitting comfortably i find my nostrils peaking tothe waft of bacon. some pigs come round, it's 2 am and they choon, 'sorry buddy but we're closed tilll 5am, come again soon.' gsus you're joking. now im really in sh2t street, corner ball sack and hairy crack. the boozers and i were discarded like the bums they were.a 150 euro hotel room and i make sure i figure out other options. now its m
inus 6 degrees,so i walk to this other hostel.....closed.my gob stopping glazed eyeballs just wanted to squeeze out a syrupy tear-to cry like a wee girl just one more time. then this kids story just went and got itself a whole lot worse,as he slipped, bags and all,ploughing himself into the heaped snow.
'i could have died' is what i'm talking about.with hand aching, throbbing and freezing,i hobbled, making notredam look like a sissy.hobbling, hobbling, my hand feels all wet so i pull it out of my pocket. it was just about swimming in its own bloody blood. plunging my hand into the crisp fresh snow i shouted expletives. with my hand in the snow, i thought that id have to saw my arm off with my swiss army pen knife, i nearly died.the golden arches had never looked so inviting. a quick stop in macdonalds gets my sugar and blood levels back to a stable bp 360 over 60.
its like minus 6 still. i begin walking to the hotel but then iread this pamphlet advertising another cheaper hotel on the same road, so after 
a trudge of about 3km in heavy snow,gail winds and icey pavements i arrive at the self service hotel. 55euro a debit to my card,and a supposed access key code which made itself scarce to me. 2 hours spent outside the room trying to work out the code and eventually it was back to the train station. it was properly like a national geographic exposei thought i was gonna die, man. in that cold, but im alright, and havent suffered much more damage than a paper cut.
elli the finn, joined me for another chapter of this crazed comic book story. an
d it was off to Rovaniemi that we did go. billed as the gateway to lapland and the home to santa and his crew if you got 30 euro to fork out. it's where santa has his village and there you can meet the ol' geezer and send a post card, i didnt. one road, one bridge and an iced over river, which left my mouth to dribble. a great cawfee shop, drink as much as you can and an alvar aalto centre, and ofcourse a town square named after the eurovision winners, Lordi. it was a pretty pleasant town/village, but won't get awards for being party central.
we breached the arctic circle and into Inari way up north we bussed, carving the snowy fields and sugar dusted pine trees. shawowee it was uber toitwe were heading further north and far colder ,-18 degrees and a great ice creamyou can have. there was so much snow. we saunaed and plunged into one degree water, totally freezed my wee goons off, walked a mountain as the sun reflected off the snowy crystals
in the icey cold , it was the most unbelievable experience ever. it was my small step for mankind. and then the hot english mustard on the pot roast of this adventure saw me and elli gazing, dribbling at the surreal northern lights-red, yellow, blue and green,the sky was awash. reminding me of scenes from 'close encounters of the third kind'. spielberg wasn't directing this wee episode.
it was an adventure that i could never have imagined being involved in. i was a sunny african calloused from walking barefoot, kicking cans in
the streets of cooking jozi,but who was now bundled in woolies thermals, H&M gloves, a primark jersey,a jacket,a set of you-look-good-on-the-dance-floor blue long johns and an austin powers-like hairy chest and a tiger named elli.
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