so im cruising through liverpool street with this sugar, its round ten on a thursday eve.im hucking this sugar like im spilling the beans after hours of chinese torture,all of a sudden i walk smack bang into a f*ckin cab door.some f*ckin cowboy cabbie had pulled upto the curb,his sugar pops outta the passenger seat. i then not even considering that ill walk into shyte,went crack into the carpeted interior door. i was absolutely taken aback,i swung around,a bit of a pirouet,and i chooned,'gsus, boet,dont you f*ckin apologise?,she just stares me down like im some f*ckin retard in a kniting factory.and the driver,virtually tells me to get lost.if i wasnt with that sugar im sure the raging bull in my taurian nature woulda torn this okes right aarm off and beat him to a point where,'the egg whites turn fluffy.'
monday eve rolled through like tony hawk on a skate board.i saw in the Metro newspaper-the free london underground offering full of useless information as compensation for f*ckin every single one of my journeys up- an article or advertisment for a free viewing of stand up comedians in hackney.so i figured,ey its free and i need to have a chuckle.living in london in january aint all peaches and cream.so i blitzed to bethnal green which is eastside on a tube and bussed to hackney empire.i sit down at a high stool, grip a pint of 1664,my preffered choice of beer, and watch as these comelians try to convince the audience to laugh.anyhoo i get chatting to a couple sitting alongside me.we do the formal shyte like introduce ourselves.then he asks why im here,so i chooned him that i just needed to chuckle.so i enquired why he was here.so he says. 'my pa died and we just cremated him in golders green.' okaay(best said in a doctor Evil voice).i sensed we had some sorta commonality,so i blurt out 'hey,im from golders green too.'
anyhoo i visited canterbury the other day,a sunday it was.the ignoramus in me thought dickens wrote canterbury tales, now i know it wasnt.chaucer was the literate one.
canterbury yoddled and i responded,the cathedral was kitted like a well kitted build it yourselff scale aeroplane would be, finely detailed with pieces that you just stuck on cos you didnt know where they were to go.ive found that every wee town on this island loves to charge its tourists an arm and more than two legs to access their most treasured touristy hot spots.it kills me too when they start charging you to take photos,but i say f*ck that and i snapped i snapped that wee lil fuji finepix so hard, id make arnie shwarzanneger look like he was holding a plastic gun in platoon.i visited it with daniel,i corrupted the kid,and it felt good. i really found the town to be most swell.rupert the bear had his origins in these parts along with winnie the pooh,two great bears,that sculpted my childhood and that i look up to,after all im the russian bear hunter. the town is as big as a monoply board, cobbled stones and an ancient roman wall surround the town.during my visit i needed a leak, but as i mentioned every town wants to rape its tourists for all they have.so i go to the gents and i see that ineeded to insert 20p to gain access.on this day i never carried cash,although cash is king.so i figured id duck under the turnstile and leopard crawl to the urinal.all of a sudden i hear the caretaker screeching out to me,and with cucumber in hand,i was caught with my pants down.she gave me lee way,and i was relieved.
i visited the imperial war museum, arguably the best museum ive been to.full of WW1 and WW2 tanks and aeroplanes,battleships and subs.one of my dreams is to be a jet pilot.that might just have to wait until ive erected a football stadium and a golf course.the museum holds an exceptionally well documented holocaust museum,one that is brilliantly set out and designed and contains some really frightening information and haunghting relics.this exhibition brought me close to tears.
the RAF museum,too finds itself in the sticks,i dunno but i get real kicks outta seeing aeroplanes and war shyte.the entrance to the museum has this massive ground missile,i wonder where its pointed at. the museum is really cool,its housed at an old air base.you can see shiny spit fires-britains answer to the german's fokker,tornadoe fighter jets from the gulf war, the phenomenal jump harrier and some massive bombers.ooh ooh makes me tingle.the flying boats was something that really amazed since ive never seen such a vehicle-theyre built like boats but they can fly,truelly nuts.
tuesday eve went to the dags. the greyhounds is what im saying. its properly a place that has stepped outta boksburgh, old art deco styled building with neon coloured lights,some would say it resembled a scene from say, eastenders,but i dont watch that shyte. built like machines , built for speed, these are animals of the highest order,no calling them spot or fluffy.'donni darko', 'krankie susie', 'sly trickster', 'follow the bear' and 'annandale chief' are the names they answer to.these dags are your best friend, cos if they win races, they give you all the profit. for some reason ive wanted to go watch grey hounds run,i dunno maybe its that gambling thing-ive even started ebaying,but thats for later.i mean im not the biggest dag fan, afterall i do enjoy kicking small dags.I organised that a whole bunch of us from work would have an eve out at the dags.so i gave wendy at the racecourse a jingle on the ol blower and let her know that a whole bunch of hooligans were about to arrive.a coupla pints down the hatch and all of a sudden your money is in some old grannies till machine on the other side,the bookies side.so i did a bit o pinting and a bit of punting.i ended up on the losing side,but a swell eve nonetheless.
anyhoo folks,keep it real, and if youre swinging,keep your left arm straight,knees bent and dont forget to follow through
sweetly the dan russian bear hunter master swordsman and soon to be action figurine with built-in retractable intergalactic starship airplane fighter.
please note:no dags were harmed in anyway during the process of writing this email thanks
